untitled musing #1

The girl watches the cursor, scouring her brain for the right words. The words that will convey this oh-so-familiar sensation of longing that has met her here on this chill November night. The wind sends thoughts billowing round her mind. They settle and wait patiently for release. A sigh escapes her lips as she tries once again to make sense of the feeling that despite her best efforts to achieve freedom, to cast off the fettering ties that call themselves fear, it is she and she alone that will not allow progress. Yes, progress -- that's where she will begin. What is progress other than the steps we take to move ourselves down the seemingly eternal path toward happiness? Be it introspective or interpersonal, progress is rarely achieved with little effort. To truly achieve progress, one must cast aside all of the little white lies that form the cataracts that blind us to who we really are. Why, you may ask? Because we can go nowhere until we know exactly where we are coming from. No more excuses, no more broken promises -- those are the things that leave us standing in the past while time kisses a mouthful goodbye, turns it's back and walks away leaving us with a mouthful of bitter words and a heart full of regret. It's not a bad start, she thinks to herself. But there could be more feeling. Where to go from here? Fingers drum absently upon the cherry-oak desk as she tries to think of what emotion to put to words next. Eyes are closed and a chair reclined. The edges of consciousness grow fuzzy with daydream. Six months ago, her heart was overflowing with hope and the future held so much beautiful promise. Success was hers -- the future was waiting at her doorstep with arms wide open. She ran toward it; six months and she's still running. Out of breath, muscles aching, but not out of drive. Eyes snap open. Next up: drive. Progress and drive walk hand in hand; two lovers who'd be lost without each other. Journey into the deepest corners of your soul and there you'll find what moves you. How will you know it? When you think about it, you can feel your heart dancing with joy and your mind come alive. It's the voice that gently sings you to sleep at night, the touch that you swear lingers upon your skin day in and day out. Harness this, control it, and it will guide you toward your progress. Writing reminds of her of what she wants, what she longs for, what makes the sleepless nights and the exhaustion worth it. She knows she hasn't been honest with herself. Times have been hard, she needs to work harder if she wants to have the things she wants the most. She knows she'll never quit. But will she ever give it her all? If she wants this as badly as she knows she does, why isn't she working harder? Why isn't she forcing herself to excel, to shatter their expectations of her? Questions that her mind can answer, but her heart cannot. "It is all a matter of laziness and fear of change." states the cool mind rationally. The heart shakes with fear and remains silent. It can attribute no reason to what is primarily it's action. Fearing rebuke, it burrows deeper within the thoracic cavity, hiding. The mind steps forth yet again: "If the heart cannot explain its actions, I shall." No matter what we want and no matter how badly we want it, there will always be something that lies within us that makes success impossible. This thing is different for each and everyone one of us. For some it is fear, for others it is a false sense of complacency. Despite these obstacles, we are all free to succeed as we choose to. But first, we must free our potential from the pernicious grip of these obstacles. She decides to end it here. There is nothing more to say.